"Outing" the Hamburgler
Message boards can be a dangerous place, Especially in the hands of actors. Yes I realize I am among this eclectic mix. I do not post to message boards. Something that seems like a good idea at 2:00 in the morning after a bottle of wine doesn't always carry the same wisdom in the light of day.
So...while trying to find the e-mail address of a local choreographer I came across a thread of posts about "Is Jesus Gay" A topic brought to the foreground because of the opening of the play "Corpus Christi" by Terrence McNalley. This has become an incredibly heated debate within the theatre community. It has also boosted ticket sales on both sides of the issue.
Now, I am fairly liberal, Not particularly religious and my usual opinion on theatre is "If you don't like what is being done...don't go see it" I have turned down many an invitation to progressive dance pieces and edgy circus-meets musical theatre-meets burlesque. Why? I don't enjoy it. "But Deonn, it is such a powerful and moving piece!" my former roommate would tell me. Occasionally I would subject myself to an excruciating hour of androgynous dancers, undulating in what looked to me like a game of twister gone horribly wrong. I don't post nasty messages about it and write letters to the editor questioning the sanity of artistic desicions in the seattle area. I just don't see shows that have the words "edgy" and "on the verge" in their description. They have every right to be performed. I love the ballet, I love classical music, Italian opera, The film festival, jazz clubs, and visual art. I can stomach most musical theatre. I'm not a big fan of the avant garde.
What is my point you ask? I dunno. I have a pretty good idea of what I am not going to like. So this being said. If you don't want to see a show about Jesus being Gay don't see it! Normally I am all for discussion and debate. But keep in mind these are the same people who debate whether the graphic on the original Bye Bye Birdie poster is a pair of lips or a handkerchief. They post this with the same passion as they screech on about Jesus' sexuality. These are the same group of actors trying to "out" Mr. Klean, The Pillsbury Dough Boy, The Michelin Man and the Hamburgler. (I would have to agree with the Mr. Klean theory but the Pillsbury dough boy? If he were gay he would totally work-out more) I guess to summarize. Don’t read TPS message boards, Ignore the passionate ramblings of 19 year old artists struggling to “Make a difference”, and Mr. Klean is totally gay.

- posted by Deonn @ 3/29/2004 09:51:00 AM

 
I am a sloth
Time off. Ahh the luxury of it. I work every day, however I work about an hour or two every day. Tonight I taught a private acting lesson. This morning I taught pre-School which left me with 9 hours in between to accomplish absolutely nothing. I did walk around Greenlake. This helped alleviate the guilt of sitting on my ass watching Dr. Phil and eating a box raspberry Pim's cups. I talked on the phone, took a nap, checked my e-mail, talked to cute guy at the mailbox. Thought about writing a blog entry, realized I didn't have anything to blog. Wow, I did less then I thought I did today. Watched half of a movie. I didn't even have the discipline to watch the whole movie. Thought about making follow up calls to places I had applied for work. I did write another scene in my new musical "Tiki Tiki Outerspace Beach Party Jungle Queen " and some lyrics to the big second act love song "I'm a Cannibal Sous Chef in Love" That's all. Boy am I exhausted. All of this activity has taken it's toll. I'm gonna watch the rest of the Apprentice. That Donald Trump is HOT!
- posted by Deonn @ 3/18/2004 07:57:00 PM

 
Spherion
Due to my lack of planning, passion for free-time and and my big mouth, I find myself somewhat unemployed. I have directed 6 fully produced musicals in less than a year. I have taught up to 11 theatre classes a week, performed in bad children's shows and have run assemblies at 32 schools. It all came to a screeching halt, Mainly because I saw the end of these contracted jobs coming and all I could think was I really need a day off. My day off has turned into 4 days off a week. As my meager theatre funds dwindle I pass my time with the occasional babysitting job, private coaching and the welcomed royalty checks from "We're Having A Ball" The children's musical that I wrote seems to be this years choice for elementary schools, small studios and even a senior center.

This brings me to the adventure of the week (adventure is a relative term...I spent much of this week getting through my Netflix cue and organizing my storage closets)

Spherion. Sherion is the company that staffs the Microsoft reception desks. With a little help from J.R. I ended up with a phone interview, an on-site interview and a computer skills test.

I had the overwhelming urge to tell the interviewer that Spherion is a ridiculous name. I held my tongue (for once) To me, the name inspires images of a planet filled with temp workers who once had lofty goals. A planet where everything begin with a "sph" sound. Co-workers tell each other
"I'm going to the Sphsupermarket, shall I pick you up a Sphsoda?"
"No I'll get one from the Sphvending Sphmachine" This is what I am thinking about while interviewer number one is talking on the Sphone.

The first part of the interview was alright. It was mostly common interview questions. Then interviewer number one sent in Interviewer number two. I was imagining some sort of good-cop, bad-cop routine. It was more like young-cop and pre-adolescent cop. I imagined pre-adolescent cop had been recently recruited from build-a-Bear.

The second part of the interview involved questions that are about as helpful as "If you were a tree what kind of tree would you be?". I half expected a rohrschach test with electrodes attached to my temples. It's dangerous to be asked what 5 words describe me. You probobly shouldn't reply with "Is 'serial killer'considered one word or two?" Oh the words that popped into my head.... Must resist my urge for sarcasm

So, I made it through the interview. Most of it was to boring to blog. Both interviewers said the name "Spherion" in every other sentence. I played the "Spherion" drinking game. Every time they said "Spherion" I would take a sip of my complimentary water and wish it was scotch...pure straight up scotch.
Then I took the computer skills test. Lets just say I better pick up an application at Best Buy
- posted by Deonn @ 3/13/2004 09:48:00 AM

 
Build-A-Bear
I was given a gift certificate to Build-A Bear for Christmas. I thought today was as good a day as any to redeem my gift card. I was babysitting Gina and she seemed fond of Build-a-Bear so we set off on our Alderwood Mall adventure. Though it looks enticing from the outside, I'm pretty sure Build-A-Bear was what Dante had in mind when writing The Inferno. It has it's own rings of hell. The outer ring is the greeting. A young lady about the age of my computer greeted us at the door. She held a stuffed unicorn wearing a leather jacket and roller skates...you heard right... A stuffed unicorn wearing a leather jacket and roller skates.
"Have you ever been to build a bear before?"
you say "yes" thinking that this will make Miss Perky McUnicorn leave you alone. But no... she guides you in. She takes you to the bin of hides, animal carcasses if you will. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this particular gimick, The idea is that you build your own bear...hence the name Build-a-Bear. There were many carcasses to choose from. For me It was between the Pink French Poodle and the Monkey...hmm Since the Monkey doesn't come with a fez, an organ, or a cigarette, I decide to go with the French Poodle (which also does not come with a fez, an organ, or a cigarette) Okay so I am stuck in this particular ring of hell for a long time. I do mean a long time. There are two families between the carcass bin and the fluffing machine. As I am unable to incorporate sound into my blog I will skip over family number one. Lets just say Vietnamese is not a particularly calming language while standing in line. Family two was going on and on and on about their other stuffed animals and what sounds and accessories they had put into there carcass. They discussed the pros and cons of teddy bear sunglasses vs. tortoise shell reading glasses. They discussed what kind of furniture their stuffed dog would like. They imitated the sounds that you could install in your carcass. Dad suggested "quiet mute dog" The line was long. My friend Stacey and I discussed other options for stores like this one. "Destroy a Bear" we thought this would be a good option, Instead of stuffing the carcass you rip out it's innards. At some point between choosing a carcass and fluffing we came up with the "Build-A Dictator" I'm not sure how we came up with this one but we had a lot of time to ponder. Build your own Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, and of course per nine year old Gina's suggestion, Fidel Castro. With some brainstorming we figured some good ones might include "Fidel Cats-stro" and "Moose-alini" and though he isn't a dictator...yet. My personal favorite was the "Jim Ca-weasel"
Finally we are to the fluffing machine. I figure out why it took so goddamn long to get through the line. Amber (i can't remember her actual name but Amber seems fitting) She took Gina's cat carcass first. "is it a boy or a girl?" Gina answered "Um a boy I guess"
"What's his name?"
"Uhh hmmm Larry"
"Larry?"
"Yeah Larry"
Amber seemed dissapointed in the name. She gave options for stuffing.
"Do you want him lightly stuffed, medium stuffed or Garfield fat"
she giggled at her own joke. Gina stared at her.
"I guess Garfield fat"
She stuffed the carcass. They put this large tube into all of the limbs. It reminded me of liposuction that I had seen on TV.
"Would you like to do your heart ceremony alone or together?"
I had never been through a heart ceremony.
"Together"
So Gina waited while I had my Pink Poodle stuffed.
"So is it a boy or a girl"
"A Boy" I answered
"Oh" she looked confused "Good for you" she said finally in a patronizing tone, obviously questioning the sexuality of my new pet.
"What's his name?"
"Jean Luc"
she finished violating my poodle and then we were subjected to the heart ceremony. This was it, The Inner Ring of Hell. I looked around for any objects sharp enough to slit my wrists. There were sunglasses and little cell phones a plenty, but no stuffed animal razor blades or even a mini swiss army knife.
We chose little hearts to implant in our animals. Amber talked us through it.
"Because we want our animal's heart to be warm rub your heart between your hands" this went on for a while, while we were instructed to kiss the heart, jump around with the heart wave the heart in the air, touch it to our eyes, do jumping jacks, I think this was supposed to fill us with love for our animal and utter hate for Amber. This ceremony went on for what seemed like forever.
Finally it was done. I thought this was the end of it. Pay and get out. Oh no. We must wash the animal in some weird air blower thing. In my head I called it the gas chamber. Pass through the "dressing room" and then make a birth certificate. So Jean Luc now has a birth certificate. I used a fake name and address like I do when applying for Safeway, QFC, and Albertsons cards so Jean Luc's proud owner is officially Valentina Von Shellenbech. (Some times the Safeway check out lady says "Thank You, Miss Von Shellenbech" and it catches me off guard)I told Gina not to enter her address. I explained to her how they use this information for marketing purposes and sell your personal information to other places. It may seem odd to explain that to a nine year old but hey, she knows who Fidel Castro is.
Finally the check-out. The check out girl asked us questions about our new pets. Don't make eye contact...don't make eye contact. I got my receipt. I got my dog, I got Gina and her cat and we went in search of my friend Stacey. She gave up somewhere around the heart ceremony.
So I am thankful to my friends for the gift certificate as it provided me with a very cute, kinda gay Pink French Poodle and a little blog material.

- posted by Deonn @ 3/07/2004 11:20:00 PM