Deonn's Happy Fun Palace Shindig Blog.
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Shhhh "Joe loves Gena"
i can write about my grandmother, because bless her heart there is nooo way she would find my blog. depressing thought...My 78 year old, memory challenged grandmother has a boyfriend...and I don't. Not that I would be particulary interested in a partially ambulatory hard of hearing geriatric...but you never know. My grandmother told my mom not to tell anyone else at the home because "What if somebody went up to him and said 'so I hear you have a girlfriend' how embarassing" apparently my 78 year old grandmother has re-entered the 7th grade. What next..."Joe loves Gena" written on the bathroom wall? or a
Do you like me?...circle one
yes
no
maybe so
Yes, I know. I'm just jealous.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Two posts in one day!? Deonn must be putting off something important.
Okay here is the problem as I see it. I have so many things to blog. The problem is most of these subjects involve the stupidity or immoral,illegal, and/or annoying activities of the folks I need to write about. I have always been told not to write anything down that could come back to haunt you. So what if one of these stupid, immoral or annoying folks stumbled across my blog? I am not so worried about the stupid people as they probobly don't know how to spell my name , let alone know what a Blog is. The immoral people definately know there way around the internet, But will they find me while searching for gay porn, crack, or the new Gay Porn Crack Musical? And you annoying folk...well who knows you probobly won't realize that I am writing about you anyway. I am not here to judge...heee hee, I can't even type that with a straight face. Who am I kidding Of course I'm here to judge. That's why god gave me a biting wit and a bitter disposition instead of lots of money and supermodel looks . I am still trying to figure out how to blog my day to day interractions without the fear of being fired or hated or killed by the Gay Maffia. (The FALSETTOS) Uh oh are you worried that I am talking about you? Do you think my stories are involving your incompetence, Stupidity and immorality or annoyingnessitude. I have divised a little Q and A.
1. Have you called me 14 times in one day only to get my voice mail each time?
2. Have you tried to sell me Mary Kay ? (The cosmetics not the boy-lovin inmate)
3. Have you done crack(the drug)& recently replaced someone at there job?
4. Have you followed me around K-B toys showing me various creepy Baby Dolls (Geisel's Excluded)
5. Do you go to a "freaky deaky spiritual awakening, back rub, tell each other your deepest secrets workshop" to meet men?
6. Do you really think that you will meet quality men at a "freaky deaky spiritual awakening back rub tell each other your deepest secrets" workshop..
7. Guys...Do you think every man in the world is gay?...and in love with you.
8. Ladies...do you use the phrase "As it were"?
9. Are you over thirty and have braces (Sorry JR you may be grandfathered in)
10. Do you constantly tell everyone how brilliant your child is? Telling a drama teacher that your 2 year old is in Montessori doesn't make them want to put them in their kindergarten class. I don't care how brilliant you are. If you still wear pull-ups...you lose a little credibility. (This should apply to any situation)
Did you answer yes to any of these questions? If so then, yup. I will be writing about you in the near future.
Did you answer no to all of these questions...well you dodged a bullet. but, it's only a matter of time, my friend....or stranger, or whoever the hell you are.
Okay Dammit
So many subjects, so many people to alienate, so many bridges to burn, so much grammar to bastardize.
Here is my list of possible blog entries
*Children's Theatre Crack addict.
*Being Hit on at K-B toys...Disturbing or flattering?
*For the last time I'm not going camping!
*"Your child is not gifted and talented...he's a pain in the ass!"
*Drunk auto mechanic brake job and/or whack job
* Mill Creek...need I say more?
* "Bridges burnt in three counties" or "Why I need a muzzle... or a sensor or... "a rich husband"
*The Gay Theatre Maffia...i have the Perfect name..."The Sopranos" oh crap that's already been used...hmm what else implies high pitched voices and uber homodrama?
*All retirement homes should be bought by Disney
Let's see pick a subject any subject...How about "My Authority Issues"
Well one of my problems has always been authority . "Your not the boss of me" isn't really an effective tool for dealing with your superiors. It didn't really work when I was five, and doesn't really do much for me now. I admit that I have problems being told what to do. As an independant contractor my superior and I have the equallity of being able to tell each other to fuck off and go our seperate ways. "Fuck Off" is the adult equivalent to "You're not the Boss of Me." As a bargaining tool neither of these statements really help me forward my career. While I never really say them out loud they are extremely satisfying in my head. I recently had the pleasure of being hired and then fired from a job. They assured me that it had nothing to do with my performance, but they wanted variety. In most job situations this would be illegal. Blah Blah Blah. I won't go into detail (since anyone reading this has already heard me rant about it) The more I write about it the more I realize how boring the story is...so save yourself the time and just stop reading now...seriously I have nothing interesting to say...Dude quit reading...you will never get this time back...Are you still reading? don't you have anything better to do? really? oh that's sad...me neither...
Tell me you didn't actually scroll down to read more...and I thought I was pathetic.
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
I'm Thirty...Day One
Okay this is it. I am finally thirty. It's kind of anti-climactic when you have looked 30 since Jr. High. I am convinced I was born with a cigarette and a Martini. (which is odd since I don’t smoke and I prefer scotch) Nothing makes you reflect on aging like the gym…so it was off to the YMCA. I dragged myself to the Y at the crack of dawn…11:00am. I met with fitness trainer Bob. Nice guy who tried not to sound patronizing but came off as kind of a disappointed dad/ mildly disgruntled girl’s soccer coach figure. He taught me how to use the machines and how to reduce the weight when I couldn’t lift what he had suggested. I apparently have the upper body strength of an emu. He taught me how to use all of the fancy schmancy computery stuff. A challenge in itself. Those of you who know me well can understand Fitness Bob’s frustration. I am mildly retarded when it comes to technology. Mix technology with exercise and I come pretty close to a vegetative state. But I did learn valuable lessons…
Things I have learned at the Northshore YMCA
·I am far more attractive in Bothell then in Bellevue
·It is impossible to maintain dignity while doing forward facing leg curls
·Though they have an affinity for man-jewelry, the majority of the men at the Northshore Y seem straight.
·Mirrors, fluorescent lights and Spandex should never be used together
·Observing “Senior Aerobics” improves my self-esteem
·I don’t like to exercise.
·Women in locker rooms spend way too much time naked.
·I don’t like naked women talking to me.
·Muscle shirts should be allowed to only a privileged few.
·CNN news is far more entertaining when you are reading the closed captioning from Animal Planet on the neighboring screen.
I followed up my work-out with lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. My friend Marie treated me to a birthday lunch. Here’s a question…Does anybody like it when the waiters sing Happy Birthday to them?
Sunday, January 04, 2004
